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themiddleofyesterday

"When it all went wrong And we made mistakes" – Our Lady Peace

Find YOUR Passion

What do you love to do for yourself? What is your passion? What is something you have always wanted to try?

These are things we should strive to include in our lives.  If these activities are what call to you and they bring you a moment of peace — make time for them.  Sometimes, we get so caught up in the world around us, we forget to make time for ourselves.  We need to give our soul some love too.  It is a wonderful thing to be there for people and help them when they are down; but, we too need to be there for ourselves.

Sometimes, we get so caught up in the negatives we create for ourselves that we forget to enjoy our lives.  We tend to only concentrate on ourselves when we are going through a valley of emotional meltdowns or when we are picking ourselves apart.   This can’t be the only time we reflect on our self.

We need an outlet that makes us feel fiery and passionate.  We need to fall in love with a hobby or an activity.  Something that recharges us and something that we do for ourselves.

My challenge for you is to find that passion and run with it.  Set time a side to do it daily, once a week, maybe, even monthly.  This has  to be something that makes you feel a live and in love with the world.  The more we feed our souls, the happier we will be.

Remember, we can’t pour from an empty cup.  So, take time for yourself.  If we fall in love with the things we do — it can be reflected back to ourselves.  The more self care we can do — the better we feel.  The better we feel the less we get trapped in a negative space in our heads.

So, write, draw, paint, sing, act, run, learn an instrument, read, lift weights, sky dive, go to a yoga class, swim, volunteer, learn a new language, try martial arts, take cooking classes, follow a sports team or ten, go fishing, hiking, snowmobiling, skiing, take a hot bubble bath with tea everyday.

Just find something that is for you; and maybe, one day when you are feeling like you are touching the bottom, this love for whatever you choose will help pull you back to your feet.

Rise Again and Again

Yesterday, I had an attack.  I broke down and my self worth just vanished.  I spent most of the morning well into the evening a crying, self hating, end is nearing mess.  I woke up in the morning and life was good. I practiced my words of affirmation, I sat here and wrote about self love, and then, a switch was flipped in my head.  I am not entirely sure how it happened — I don’t know if it was a song, a memory, a random thought.

So, for hours yesterday, I was trapped inside my head and everything in it was cold and dark.   All the things I tried to steer myself away from the negative was just a lost cause.  I was drowning and couldn’t save myself.

You feel hopeless and alone. You can’t breathe. You can’t stop crying. Your thoughts take on a life of their own. You believe the words of self hatred.  You can’t get out of bed. You can’t face the sun. You can’t face your own face staring back at you in the mirror.

You think about all the things you ever did wrong.  You think about the things you could have done better.  You think about the people you let down.  You think of the people who could still be in your life.  You think about the people in your life and how they could have a better life without you.

Stop.  Take a breath.  In the moment of an attack we need to try to distract ourselves from it all.  It could work; it might not.  I tend to run myself the hottest bath I can get into when I start feeling like shit. Yesterday, I took two.  The first one did nothing for my head.  I couldn’t sit there for long because I couldn’t concentrate  on anything else but the doom. I tried to watch youtube; still nothing, I spent the majority of the day on twitter. I find twitter a safe place for me to write. I like to bleed out the words into the world. The feelings of doom.  I don’t want to have to hide the darkness inside myself. I feel like if I can share it with others or just get in out among the world it isn’t a secret that I have to bare. My second bath came around supper time after I puzzled my feelings into words for lot of the day.  This is the bath that calmed me down and brought me back to believing I am worth it.

Sometimes, we have bad days; but, that is all they are.  A bad day.  Not a bad life.  Be thankful that we have a life to be ourselves and be free. A bad day or a string of bad days does not justify saying our life is bad.  We must make the choice to over come these bad days and live the life we want and deserve.   We can do this. We will do this.

Remember, we fall but we get back up and never quit.  Our negative thoughts, our depression, our anxiety, they can’t keep us down.  We will rise above and be our strong and loving selves.

Words of Affirmation

In the moments between the negative thoughts I feel like I can fly or be anything I want to be. I am on top of the world.  I love myself and who I am. I know I am an amazing woman with a heart of gold. I believe in myself and I believe that I am unstoppable. I know my worth and I don’t settle.  Sadly, this way of thinking never lasts long.  It always starts to fade as my anxiety and depression starts to show.

The first thought they show me is my reminder that they can still control me. It’s the beginning of the end of my self love.  Slowly, the negative thinking bleeds into my self esteem and I believe all the words of hatred.  As my mind changes into the icy dark pit of despair, my world starts falling apart.  I lock myself inside my house, close all the blinds, and avoid all contact with people.  I am nothing.

I hate the fact that this is even a thing.  That I have to fight with my mind each and everyday. That I can’t just wake up and know that everything is going to be fine.

I wake up each day and tell myself that I am worth it; that I am amazing; that I am strength; that I am love; that I am good enough. When I started with these affirmations I didn’t believe them.  I would say them out of hope that maybe one day they would be my truth. Two years later and I believe the words 50% of my mornings. To me that is great because when I started I never believed at all.

Some mornings, the belief is there and others, I just say it out of routine; but, I still speak it to the universe as my intentions.  Even on my darkest days I want to believe that I am important and I matter.  I am important and I do matter.  So, do you.  It gets hard when those bad thoughts start spreading.  I know.  All we can do is take it one moment at a time. Breathe and be proud we made it a minute. Eventually, we can start to  be proud we made it 10 minutes; an hour; a day; a month.

So, lets start speaking about our worth; our importance; our strength; our amazingness. Wake up each morning and tell the universe about the good in yourself. Repeat this daily until you finally believe the words. Repeat this when you feel any negative thoughts coming your way.  Repeat before bed. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

You might not feel like you are any of the words you speak; but, you are giving birth to seeing yourself as important.  It is a slow process.  It isn’t that over the night type of thing.  I know that I struggle with not being able to see the results ASAP. I am very much a results right away person; but, this is a process which takes time.  We are basically knocking down the faulty foundations which we have built our world around.  A good foundation is gonna take us some time to build up.  We have time; because we are strong and we want to rebuild ourselves to the best of our abilities.  We want to be happy and we want to stop living in fear.

We need to stop feeding the negative thoughts.  We can not fuel them anymore.  No more thinking or speaking of ourselves in a negative light.  The words we cast out become what we know and believe. So, the challenge now is speaking about ourselves with a loving and caring voice; ALWAYS.  If we fail, we try again.  We tell ourselves that we did our best and keep moving forward. We can’t stew in the failed moment.  Things can take time to accomplish and we may need to work to achieve things. This is okay. We didn’t become a failure because we failed. We keep working at it and trying to the best of our abilities. We aren’t failures; remember this.

 

 

Love Ourselves to The Bone

For as long as I can remember I have viewed the world as a cold, hateful, and strict place.  A place I never felt like I belonged or really desired to live in. My life was never easy and I won’t complain about it.  It shaped me into who I am and it showed me who I never want to be.  I want to be that kindness that makes one person change their mind about ending their life.  I want to be that love that was never shown to a person that needed it.  I want to be the shoulder to lean on when someone’s world is crumbling.  I want to be the friendly voice that sits with someone when they have lost their own and only have tears. These are all great aspiration for me to chase; but, when my demons kick down my doors I am left in a downward spiral.

I have never had an easy life journey.  It has been hard since the day I was born. That seems like funny statement but it is truth.  Mind you, I will never complain that the cards I was dealt were better or worst than any other person’s.  We all have a journey to take and each journey is different.  I have always said that I would never trade my life experiences for any other.  This is what I was given and it is my job to be better or worst.  I strive to be better for the world around me, my daughter, my friends, my family, my jobs.  I want to be a positive influence to this world.  I want to leave behind love when I am gone.  I want to make the world less ugly and I choose to each day that I can. Yet, I have those days when I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.  I see all the worst inside me and I see an ugly girl looking back at me.

Those negative thoughts steal my value from myself, my daughter, the world.  Lately, they aren’t as strong and don’t come around as often.  I am learning to accept myself as is.  There is only one of me on this giant ball of dirt filled with billions of people.  I am one of a kind and so are you.

We get so caught up in the standards set by the media, movies, magazines, stores, advertisements; that we forget to love ourselves because we are so busy comparing ourselves to unrealistic expectations.  Who set those expectations for us?  Why are we believing in them? We are all differently beautiful and unique.  We are the only “me”.  That in itself is beautiful.  Each one of us was given their own looks, their own thoughts, their own quirky habits, their own likes or dislikes, and we should embrace that and celebrate.  The world would be a lot darker with out each one of us.  We need to learn to love ourselves for who we are as  a person.  We need to celebrate the things we hate about us just as much as we celebrate the things we love about ourselves.

My first step to my own self love is loving the girl that stares back at me in the mirror.  The extra weight, the scars, the giant feet, the shortness in height, the way I can not carry a tune or dance, the girl who gets tongue tied in groups, the girl who cries at every sad movie, book, or song, the girl that can’t speak her mind.  I need to learn to love every aspect of myself. When I learn to love myself as a whole I believe my negative thoughts will be less likely to stick to my mind.  I am me and I love that.  Tonight, I am going to pick my least favorite part of my being and I am going to love it like everyone deserves to be loved and tomorrow I’ll pick another and love that part of me.  Its time to accept ourselves for who we are and fall in love with ourselves. We need to treat ourselves like we would treat someone we loved and respected.  I believe this is the first step in conquering our negative thoughts.

The Beginning of Self Love

How do you get yourself unstuck from the negative thoughts in your head?  This is a question I have struggled to find an answer to forever.

I am a rather private person and keep my cards tucked tightly against my chest.  The less people know about me — the better.  The less I open up to others –keeps me safest.  My mind is in constant flight or fight mode.  I am better off alone.  So, I keep everyone at an arms length away.  My thoughts, a constant reminder, of how worthless I am.

I get stuck on the words that have been spewed into my ears.  I become all the words that have ever been used against me.  The waste of space, the fatty, the ugly girl, the slut, the bad friend, the terrible girlfriend, the crazy ex wife, the abused, the probable cause, the good for nothing failure, the girl who would be better off dead. These are all titles given to me which feed my anxiety and depression.  The fuel for the demons inside me.  These are all just bullets to wound my tired soul.

I get caught up in the aftermath and my thoughts turn to them as a comfort.  Yet, as we all see there is no solace in any of these phrases.  They are not a paradise in which comfort is found.  They are the Hell that lives inside me.  The constant reminder that I am not good enough.  The reasons why I can never let anyone close to me.

So, where do I begin to take back the control.  How can I have the power to erase the damage they have created.  Sadly, the damage has been done; but, I have the power to be stronger.  These are all just words that have been flung at my self esteem. I need to believe that I am better than the intentions that went with these words. That, I myself, do not believe the hate.  That I learn to love myself unconditionally.

So, lets take a journey together and learn to love ourselves for who we are and not what anyone else labels us as.  We have the power to turn away the negative thoughts and to snuff them out. It isn’t going to be an easy path and we will stumble and we fall and we will want to stay down in the dirt with the hatred; but, we are going to pick ourselves up and take baby steps into a future we are meant to live.  Each tiny step forward is a victory to rewiring our thoughts into self love.  So, lets begin to fall in love with ourselves.

 

Baseball

And I hold on to the only thing that keeps you close to me with a white knuckle grip.  It was always just a stupid game to me; but, you loved it.  So, I watched wanting to see why it made you light up.  In the end, I loved you more and the game made me feel connected to you.  The day came where you had to leave me to save yourself.  So, I clung to the game.  Every game I watched I thought of you watching too.  It helped me make it through your absence. A year and a half later you returned and the game was less important to me because I had you.  But, once again you have left to save yourself. So, here I am again.  Loving a game to keep you with me. Failing myself in letting you go.

Purging

How do you purge an entire person from your heart and soul?

How can you rip out every fiber of their being from under your skin?

How do you make their voice stop echoing in your ears?

How do you wipe clean the memories in your mind?

I have no answers for any of these questions.  I only have the pain of carrying you way too deep within me.  You are the anchor holding me down away from the sun.  Dragging me deeper and deeper into the dark abyss.

You broke my wings and let me to plummet to the ground.  You were never going to catch me; but, I blinded myself to believe in you, to believe in us, a future, a promise, a vow.  It was never really there. Just words with no meaning.

The day you asked if you could keep me was the day I should have ran the other way.

The day you left me with no reason, I should have burned you from my life.  Made you a pile of ash to be blown away in the wind.

The day you came back, I should have cut ties.

First thoughts after my break up.

Everyone says when you find your perfect match you will know.  That time stands still and the world stops.  No one ever told me about losing the one.  That the world goes dark and cold.  That the beating of your heart stops, that the millions of tears cried rip apart your skin, and that the memories flood through your mind, like waters of a river cresting over it’s muddy banks, spilling across the land.

So here I sit all alone.  Trying to piece together any signs that you were going to run.  Nothing is connecting.  My confusion keeps growing as I search for the clues that led me to watch you leave.

My happiness thrown away leaving only this depression, this hurt, this anger.  My heart broken and bleeding.  My eyes red and dry from the crying.  My arms lonely for the warmth of your skin.  My lips hungry for the kiss, they will never again receive.  My mind filled with constant thoughts of you and of us.  I can’t stop any of this and it doesn’t matter.  You have chosen to leave me and in the end I wouldn’t trade this pain for the world.

I may never have you again but all this misery lets me know you were once mine. That my feelings were real. That you were/are my one and I belonged/belong to you.  Maybe all those promises you whispered so sweetly in my ear were a lie from your lips but my words to you were the truth. I meant every single sound, thought, and promise.

Heartbreak

Moving forward is hard when you keep looking back over your shoulder at a life once lived. Letting go is tricky; it rips you apart, smashes your heart into dust, and leaves you feeling empty inside. Yet, in the long run you will heal. Now that sounds like a load of bullshit right at this moment but trust me it gets better.

The heartache will end, the scars will fade, and the tears will dry. The memories, they won’t be leaving; but, they will become a photo album in your mind of this chapter of your life. This chapter can’t be ripped out of your book nor should it. It has happened and it has shaped you in some way. Never regret it because then you will be regretting yourself. You chose that person to be in your life and to share those moments because that person meant something to you. No matter how good it once was or how bad it got; that person meant something special to you. You can’t regret that. It will make you hard; but, you can learn from it, grow a little more, and when you have healed from the heartbreak, appreciate those moments with that person.

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