For as long as I can remember I have viewed the world as a cold, hateful, and strict place. A place I never felt like I belonged or really desired to live in. My life was never easy and I won’t complain about it. It shaped me into who I am and it showed me who I never want to be. I want to be that kindness that makes one person change their mind about ending their life. I want to be that love that was never shown to a person that needed it. I want to be the shoulder to lean on when someone’s world is crumbling. I want to be the friendly voice that sits with someone when they have lost their own and only have tears. These are all great aspiration for me to chase; but, when my demons kick down my doors I am left in a downward spiral.
I have never had an easy life journey. It has been hard since the day I was born. That seems like funny statement but it is truth. Mind you, I will never complain that the cards I was dealt were better or worst than any other person’s. We all have a journey to take and each journey is different. I have always said that I would never trade my life experiences for any other. This is what I was given and it is my job to be better or worst. I strive to be better for the world around me, my daughter, my friends, my family, my jobs. I want to be a positive influence to this world. I want to leave behind love when I am gone. I want to make the world less ugly and I choose to each day that I can. Yet, I have those days when I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I see all the worst inside me and I see an ugly girl looking back at me.
Those negative thoughts steal my value from myself, my daughter, the world. Lately, they aren’t as strong and don’t come around as often. I am learning to accept myself as is. There is only one of me on this giant ball of dirt filled with billions of people. I am one of a kind and so are you.
We get so caught up in the standards set by the media, movies, magazines, stores, advertisements; that we forget to love ourselves because we are so busy comparing ourselves to unrealistic expectations. Who set those expectations for us? Why are we believing in them? We are all differently beautiful and unique. We are the only “me”. That in itself is beautiful. Each one of us was given their own looks, their own thoughts, their own quirky habits, their own likes or dislikes, and we should embrace that and celebrate. The world would be a lot darker with out each one of us. We need to learn to love ourselves for who we are as a person. We need to celebrate the things we hate about us just as much as we celebrate the things we love about ourselves.
My first step to my own self love is loving the girl that stares back at me in the mirror. The extra weight, the scars, the giant feet, the shortness in height, the way I can not carry a tune or dance, the girl who gets tongue tied in groups, the girl who cries at every sad movie, book, or song, the girl that can’t speak her mind. I need to learn to love every aspect of myself. When I learn to love myself as a whole I believe my negative thoughts will be less likely to stick to my mind. I am me and I love that. Tonight, I am going to pick my least favorite part of my being and I am going to love it like everyone deserves to be loved and tomorrow I’ll pick another and love that part of me. Its time to accept ourselves for who we are and fall in love with ourselves. We need to treat ourselves like we would treat someone we loved and respected. I believe this is the first step in conquering our negative thoughts.