Yesterday, I had an attack. I broke down and my self worth just vanished. I spent most of the morning well into the evening a crying, self hating, end is nearing mess. I woke up in the morning and life was good. I practiced my words of affirmation, I sat here and wrote about self love, and then, a switch was flipped in my head. I am not entirely sure how it happened — I don’t know if it was a song, a memory, a random thought.
So, for hours yesterday, I was trapped inside my head and everything in it was cold and dark. All the things I tried to steer myself away from the negative was just a lost cause. I was drowning and couldn’t save myself.
You feel hopeless and alone. You can’t breathe. You can’t stop crying. Your thoughts take on a life of their own. You believe the words of self hatred. You can’t get out of bed. You can’t face the sun. You can’t face your own face staring back at you in the mirror.
You think about all the things you ever did wrong. You think about the things you could have done better. You think about the people you let down. You think of the people who could still be in your life. You think about the people in your life and how they could have a better life without you.
Stop. Take a breath. In the moment of an attack we need to try to distract ourselves from it all. It could work; it might not. I tend to run myself the hottest bath I can get into when I start feeling like shit. Yesterday, I took two. The first one did nothing for my head. I couldn’t sit there for long because I couldn’t concentrate on anything else but the doom. I tried to watch youtube; still nothing, I spent the majority of the day on twitter. I find twitter a safe place for me to write. I like to bleed out the words into the world. The feelings of doom. I don’t want to have to hide the darkness inside myself. I feel like if I can share it with others or just get in out among the world it isn’t a secret that I have to bare. My second bath came around supper time after I puzzled my feelings into words for lot of the day. This is the bath that calmed me down and brought me back to believing I am worth it.
Sometimes, we have bad days; but, that is all they are. A bad day. Not a bad life. Be thankful that we have a life to be ourselves and be free. A bad day or a string of bad days does not justify saying our life is bad. We must make the choice to over come these bad days and live the life we want and deserve. We can do this. We will do this.
Remember, we fall but we get back up and never quit. Our negative thoughts, our depression, our anxiety, they can’t keep us down. We will rise above and be our strong and loving selves.